Tuesday, August 5, 2008
If You Can't Drive It, Don't Buy It!
I will never understand this logic, I go to the car dealer to buy a new car, as I'm browsing the lot, I see this bad ass 2008 pickup. I tell the salesman that he needs to get me into that car, I've got good credit, lets get me on the road with this beast asap. As soon as I leave the lot I find out the car's too much to handle, so I'm stopping late, over/under accelerating, etc.
Unfortunately, I drove it off the lot, like a moron, so it's mine. No problem you're likely thinking, it just takes some time to get used to it, I'll be okay.
I have seen countless morons on the road who cant turn, cant stop, cant accelerate correctly, it's amazing. Does no one bother to take a test drive anymore? I'll be the first to admit my Yaris handled differently when I drove off the lot when I test drove it, but that's because it had the dealer's kill-switch installed, so when I drove it home it drove a lot smoother, but the handling was about the same.
I bring this up because I noticed some idiot driving around in his brand new Chevy Avalanche, assuming you can actually call it driving, basically swerving and not handling his vehicle very well, at all.
My first assumption in a situation like that is that the driver is likely drunk, but it was a monday afternoon and there were actually 3 people in the car, male driver, female passenger, and what seemed like a baby seat in the back, so this guy was likely driving his family somewhere for dinner or similar to that. Mind you, I don't live overly close to the city, we're a few miles north on the interstate, but it's fairly busy. They had recently added an on-ramp for one of the streets and its not very smoothe because of the construction and they have 2 way traffic in an area that will one day become a 1 way. Lets see the graph, shall we? (YAY MSPAINT!)
Bonehead and I are entering the freeway from point A with ultimate destination being point D (what you cannot see, is that point D forks, it will go straight and run along side the interstate, or become an on ramp, the B lane is designed for interstate traffic, whereas C is designed for people who want to drive alongside.) Now, as he drives around the turn to enter lane B, he gets into the lane about 3 hours too late, up until this point he was in lane C, when he notices that it's not going where he wants to go, gets into the correct lane and when reaching the turn, takes the turn so damn wide, almost ends up in the dirt somewhere below the text of this post.
I swear this guy had an Arizona lic plate, that wasn't FLT so no rental, so he should be used to this kind of insane traffic structure (see: How to Drive in Phoenix, if any confusion).
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
How to Drive in Phoenix
This came to me as a chain email from a coworker, so I cant take credit for its humor, but I figured it was too good not to share. Many of you who read the blog can see that Phoenix and I, we have a love/hate relationship, and maybe that's why this is so funny, but I'll paste below.
How To Drive In Phoenix
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS.
There are other names to learn such Ahwatukee (Ah-wa-too-kee) but that
will be included in the advanced course.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour
is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop
101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number.
Anything less is considered "wussy".
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own
version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires
go second. However, in the East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking
moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour
barrels and barricades are moved around for your entertainment pleasure
during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs,
barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires,
squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the
coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. *Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "10" are the same road
unless it's the part of the 17 that's also called the Maricopa Freeway.
*SR 202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY unless it's east
of the 101 and then it comes the SanTan, then it ends, and then becomes
the SanTan again.
*SR 143 is a street AND a freeway at the same time. Either way,
it's the Hohokam Expressway.
*No one really knows what purpose SR 153 has exactly.
*SR 51 has been called both the Squaw Peak Freeway and Piestewa
Freeway. Depends who's talking to you. US 60 on the east side is the
Superstition Freeway. On the west side it's a diagonal road with lots of
traffic lights that's best avoided altogether.
*Sometimes you'll hear things on the traffic reports that refer to
"the innerloop". No one (besides traffic reporters) ever called anything
in Phoenix by that name. Matter of fact, I'm not sure where that is
exactly.
*Dunlap and Olive are the same street. Bell and Frank Lloyd Wright
are the same street as well.
*Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street.
*SR 101 is the Pima FWY east of I-17, which is the Back Canyon FWY
(south of the 101, north of the 101 it is Veterans Memorial HWY) unless
you are south of the 202 then the 101 becomes the Price FWY.
*SR 101 west of I-17 (at all times) is the Agua Fria FWY.
*No one is quite sure where Bethany's Home is.
*Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd, doesn't
become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated".
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph
zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off"
accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your
hands.
13. It's a sport to make a yellow light from at least 500 feet away.
14. And finally, enjoy the beautiful landscape along the side of the
freeway. You won't see that in any other city in the state (conspirators
are sure Phoenix as stolen all of the money!)
Nine is my personal favorite, any gripes about your city?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
3 Bed/2.5 Bath/No Pizza
There are certain things that should be required to disclose when you purchase or lease a house. Things like murders, Indian burial grounds, lack of pizza delivery, things of that nature. Most people assume that as long as you are in the area of a city as large as Phoenix, you would be able to have pizza delivered to your house, not this house!
No, we don't have a vicious dog that will attack everyone so the pizza guy stays away, we're just lucky enough to live in the 3 square miles of northern phoenix that does not have a pizza place around. Check this out, it is a map of the Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area, north of Loop 101, with Domino's Pizza locations marked.
