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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

How to Drive in Phoenix

This came to me as a chain email from a coworker, so I cant take credit for its humor, but I figured it was too good not to share. Many of you who read the blog can see that Phoenix and I, we have a love/hate relationship, and maybe that's why this is so funny, but I'll paste below.

How To Drive In Phoenix

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS.
There are other names to learn such Ahwatukee (Ah-wa-too-kee) but that
will be included in the advanced course.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour
is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop
101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number.
Anything less is considered "wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own
version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires
go second. However, in the East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking
moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour
barrels and barricades are moved around for your entertainment pleasure
during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs,
barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires,
squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the
coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. *Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "10" are the same road
unless it's the part of the 17 that's also called the Maricopa Freeway.
*SR 202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY unless it's east
of the 101 and then it comes the SanTan, then it ends, and then becomes
the SanTan again.
*SR 143 is a street AND a freeway at the same time. Either way,
it's the Hohokam Expressway.
*No one really knows what purpose SR 153 has exactly.
*SR 51 has been called both the Squaw Peak Freeway and Piestewa
Freeway. Depends who's talking to you. US 60 on the east side is the
Superstition Freeway. On the west side it's a diagonal road with lots of
traffic lights that's best avoided altogether.
*Sometimes you'll hear things on the traffic reports that refer to
"the innerloop". No one (besides traffic reporters) ever called anything
in Phoenix by that name. Matter of fact, I'm not sure where that is
*Dunlap and Olive are the same street. Bell and Frank Lloyd Wright
are the same street as well.
*Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street.
*SR 101 is the Pima FWY east of I-17, which is the Back Canyon FWY
(south of the 101, north of the 101 it is Veterans Memorial HWY) unless
you are south of the 202 then the 101 becomes the Price FWY.
*SR 101 west of I-17 (at all times) is the Agua Fria FWY.
*No one is quite sure where Bethany's Home is.
*Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd, doesn't
become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph
zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off"
accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your

13. It's a sport to make a yellow light from at least 500 feet away.

14. And finally, enjoy the beautiful landscape along the side of the
freeway. You won't see that in any other city in the state (conspirators
are sure Phoenix as stolen all of the money!)

Nine is my personal favorite, any gripes about your city?


Justin said...

Haha very funny. My commute consist of driving 5 miles down Van Buren St but I see enough crazy drivers in that short span.