Why?!

There are certain things in this life that just make no sense whatsoever, I tried to compile a list of them, and this is what I came up with.

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

• Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say the paint is wet?

• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?

• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• What evil SOB put an 's' in the word 'lisp'?

• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Or a furniture store that's not having a liquidation sale?

• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

• Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

• How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

• When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where the hell you're going?'

• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

I Shattered My Stove Top With A Mop...

Prior to yesterday, I had a really nice gas powered flat top Range. Today I have a cracked, fairly useless, shit I now owe the property management company a new, Range. Here's how it happened.

I was walking down the stairs and into the kitchen to cook some dinner when I noticed that above the stove, below the fan, there was a giant spider, now, I absolutely abhor spiders and most insects for that matter. This wasn't your average backyard spider, this thing was about as big as the bottom of a soda can. At first I thought it was a moth and I was going to smash it with a paper towel, but when I got close I saw the little bugger looking at me, and I swear it was thinking:

"Come any closer fool and I'll jump right on your face"

I swear, it's legs were slightly crouched and everything, like it was getting ready to jump. As soon as I saw this is stumbled back a few feet and nearly fell over. My first instinct was to grab whatever was close to beat it with. Since it was on the wall, I figured no harm, no foul. The closest thing to me was the mop since the damn cat knocked someones 42oz Thirstbuster on the floor a day earlier, but we'll cover that on another post.

This is where it gets interesting, we don't have your ordinary mop, its a cheapo from Wal-Mart that is pretty much a broom handle with a plastic base which has a sponge attached to it, so it's very hard when dry.

I take said mop and jab it into the wall hoping to kill the damn thing, but it's spidey senses allowed it to run away before the mop came crashing down on its head. It's next move was to run down behind the stove. I made sure this didn't happen because the last thing I needed was to wake up to a giant spider on my face, so I put the mop below it and swing up, launching the spider off the wall and, you guess it, right onto the stove. I try throwing a dish towel on to it to slow its movement around the kitchen, and this seemed to have dazed it. As soon as I see it start to run away I slam the mop down on top of it, taking out the spider, as well as the nice glass top to my flat stove.

Needless to say the advertising revenue from June, and who knows how much longer, will go to buying a new range. Since I'm still in this house for another 6 months, so it's not a matter of saying screw the security deposit and bailing on it. Just another reason I hate spiders.

If you're having a hard time visualizing the mop and stove, here are some links to similar items:

Mop: http://housewares.hardwarestore.com/35-174-sponge-mops/deluxe-cellulose-squeeze-mop-100850.aspx

Stove: http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?skuId=8810851&type=product&id=1206749188946